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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26515159">Fucked Up in Firewater Garden</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/irhinoceri/pseuds/irhinoceri'>irhinoceri</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comedy, Crack, Emerald Graves (Dragon Age), Gen, Giants, Varric Tethras Is So Done, Varric Tethras Writes, Varric Tethras is a Good Friend, Video Game Mechanics</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:36:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26515159</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/irhinoceri/pseuds/irhinoceri</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lavellan has a bad time in the Emerald Graves. Varric has opinions and expresses them the best way he knows how.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lavellan &amp; Varric Tethras</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Fucked Up in Firewater Garden</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Just… just one more. I need to read it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“FUCK!” screamed Varric, as seven angry giants pursued him in circles around the glade. He leapt backwards in a remarkable show of agility, and sent an impressive spray of arrows flying from Bianca. “Everyone is dead! Solas is dead! Vivienne is dead! Blackwall is dead! Sera is dead! Dorian is dead! We have to run. NOW!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“NO!” she gasped, crawling on hands and knees towards the next pile of rocks. Or, hand and knees, rather, because one of her arms had been torn clean off. “I need to.. My people’s history… I need to read all the markers… I need to…” Blood poured out of her mouth as she slumped onto the ground.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bodies of her companions lay strew about the glen, some unrecognizable from their horrific mutilation. Dorian and Solas had been turned into some kind of terrifying mage soup by the brontos and it was impossible to tell where one mangled body ended and the other began.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t hold them off any longer!” Varric proclaimed, even as he threw down a carpet of caltrops and killed five giants with one crossbow bolt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mama didn’t raise no quitter,” Lavellan grumbled to herself, face down in the emerald grass of the Emerald Graves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the only person who can stand against Corypheus,” said Varric, while no less than eighteen giants and forty-seven angry brontos chased him. “You have to get out of here. It’s not worth it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lavellan raised herself up with the last of her strength. Many bones were broken. The pulverized remains of her left eyeball hung loosely from the socket, dribbling eye-jelly onto her cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just one more,” she burbled, bloodily, and reached out a shaking hand towards the marker. The stones seemed to taunt her. The trees whispered something about her being a punk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fifty-three giants and eighty-five brontos descended upon her from seemingly nowhere and pummeled her into a sticky paste. It was a gruesome, painful death. Truly horrible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Noooooooo!” shouted Varric, sobbing openly into his open wounds. He threw down a bottle of No See Um powder and hoofed it out of the glade as fast as his muscular, well formed legs could carry him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stumbled into the nearest camp and collapsed from exhaustion.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the hell!” Cassandra raged, back at Skyhold. “Varric, I read your report! Why didn’t you stop her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop her? Stop her?” Varric bellowed. “We went back to the glade eleventy thousand separate times. I begged her not to every time. But she wouldn’t listen!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, it’s all in the report,” Cassandra said, weeping. “We’re all doomed because she wanted to research elven lore! I knew making her the Inquisitor was a mistake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I left one thing out of my report,” said Varric, quietly. He lifted up his hand. “When the Herald died, something happened… something strange. I felt… different.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cassandra’s eyes widened as green light flickered from Varric’s palm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The anchor!” she gulped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” cried Varric, triumphantly. “I’m the Inquisitor now!”</span>
</p><p><span>“</span>A true hero rises to save us all,<span>”</span> said Cole.</p><p>
  <span>Iron Bull lifted Varric onto his shoulders, Josephine fell sobbing to the floor, and Leliana proclaimed, “You are our leader, now and always!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To work?” Cullen asked, obvious respect and admiration radiating from every curl in his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Varric, from his impossibly high vantage point atop Iron Bull’s mountainous shoulders, somehow looked every one of them dead in the eye and said, “To. Mother. Fucking. Work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone cheered. Skyhold shook with the sound of it. Corypheus trembled.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is by far the worst thing I’ve ever read,” said Lavellan. She sat in her tent at the Direstone camp, looking over the “report” the requisition officer had delivered to her that morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” said Sera, poking her head into the tent. “Where to today, big shot?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lavellan crumpled the parchment in one hand. She narrowed her eyes. “Tell Varric we head to Din’an Hanin,” she said. “We’ll stop at the Firewater Garden on our way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just one more try,</span>
  </em>
  <span> she murmured to herself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Just one more...</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
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